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| Life is a marathon. One I've already lost.
Then why am I forced to keep going?
To not disappoint?
But what about my disappointments?
Nothing turned out according to plan.
And I'm not saying that that's necessarily bad, because many things turned out better than planned..
But apparently I don't do too well with compromise: all I have is resentment.
If I quit, there may be less successes, but there will be even less failures.
& what more can one really ask for?
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| One, two, three, four..
Yeah, it has been a while.
Every time I click on my Xanga link on Facebook, I see these angsty, depressing entries. Figured it was about time I added a disclaimer: all content on this page belongs to some long lost version of me.
I am there.
And I am grateful each day of happiness I add to this longest streak of happy times known to me.
It's the difference between a person who turns on the tap for a glass of cold, fresh water and one who has to walk 5 miles for a questionably sanitary one. The latter would appreciate the tap water so much more.
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| I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad.
This pursuit for happiness will be the death of me.
And how do you know when you're there, anyway?
[ I'm afraid that the truth of the matter is that there is no "there". Does that make any sense? Heh. ]
Everyone else seems to be so sure of all the answers.
Unfortunately, everyone else has a different answer.
You can't all be right. But y'all are probably a lot closer than I'll ever be.
Oh, and Xanga is depressing as hell. =] Just an observation.
[ But My Chemical Romance, and music in general, balances it out. <3 ]
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| And each morning she wakes
With a dream to describe
Something lovely that bloomed
In her beautiful mind.
I said I'll trade you one
For two nightmares of mine.
I have somewhere I die,
I have somewhere we all die.
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| I never really dreamed of heaven much
Until we put him in the ground.
But that's all I'm doing now,
Listening for patterns in the sound
Of an endless static sea.
For the past few weeks, I haven't been sleeping much. I used to say it wasn't insomnia as long as one chose to stay awake. Unwillingness to sleep doesn't necessarily mean inability to do so, correct?
Well, now it's both. Hah. I wonder if I should be worried. I'll consider it when it starts wearing me down. Right now, I'm riding high on the adrenaline. As usual.
For the past few weeks, I've also been thinking about death a lot. I think it's because my 20th birthday is coming up. And maybe that's a big number, maybe it's not. All I know is that it's a scary one for me, because it marks 2/3rds of my "planned" life.
"Huh? What are you talking about, Naema?"
Good question.
Well, you see. I'm not going to say I was an unhappy kid. That would be a lie. I was moody, angsty and irritable as all hell, but I wasn't unhappy, per se. Regardless, I grew up planning to live, at most, to the age of 30. Why? I don't really know, to be quite honest. I did come up with quite a few rationalizations over the years, however. For example, growing old requires becoming dependent on those around you, and I'd much rather die at my "peak" than grow old and watch everything I spent my whole life building just fall apart, along with my ego. [ I have a lot of ego. ] Another one was.. because there just isn't enough motivation to stay alive. Life would be a lot easier if it just ceased to exist.
Actually, I think that a lot now, too. They don't call me emo for nothing.
The best rationalization, however, was the fear of outliving those around me. For the longest time, I considered death to be one of my greatest fears. Not my own death, but that of family or friends. I didn't know how I would deal with it, and I really didn't want to find out. And dying before anyone else had the chance to seemed like a good solution to said problem.
The most interesting thing about this is that I'm not so much afraid of how much I would miss certain people should they happen to die, how big of a void it would leave in my life. My concern stems more from the practice of forgetting. Because this is how we deal with everything we lose: we put it behind us and we move on with our lives. Because we're still here, alive and kicking. Sounds like a healthy way to be, no?
Healthy, schmealthy. To me, it sounds selfish and wrong. Wouldn't you like to think that you made enough of an impact on this world that at least some people would remember you and possibly even miss you? At least some people will be sad when you're gone? Or maybe most people are selfless enough to not want to be the cause of pain for those they care about. *shrugs*
All I know is that when my grandfather died, that is exactly what we all did. We mourned for a bit, and then we moved on with our lives. Actually, I don't think I cried at all. Am I heartless? Not most of the time, no. Once you've watched someone die, gasping for air in their last moments, the expression on their face changing from painful to lifeless, it's next to impossible to get that image out of your head. How do you even begin to deal with something like that?
Simple: you don't. You push it to the back of your mind and you go on.
Everything is a-ok.
I feel like I'm doing a disservice to his memory. But the truth of the matter is, I'm not nearly strong enough.
How does this tie in with why I would want to die young? It doesn't, really. That's just my Freudian Death Instinct at work. It's a lot more tragic and possibly even glamorous to die young than to die old. And I'm all about tragedy. Haha.
This was merely pointless rambling. Because without me, it would just be "lodrama", or "lancholy". :)
But don't you weep;
There is no one as lucky.
Honey, don't you weep;
There is nothing as lucky,
As easy, or free.
So I haven't updated in a while. Why, you ask?
Well, for one, I'm lacking inspiration. I also don't have a lot of time on my hands. Kind of. But the main reason is.. I have a new obsession that seems to have replaced Xanga: Facebook. I'm sorry, you just don't do it for me anymore. ;)
Just kidding.
What's new in my life? I now have two jobs: research technician at The Hospital for Sick Children [ this one's for school ], and barista at Second Cup [ Canadian version of Starbucks ]. I haven't really started the second one yet, but I'm uber excited. I've always wanted to work at a café!
And for those who asked: "Frosh Week" = Orientation Week = between 2 - 7 days of orientation activities designed to help freshman at college/university feel a little more at ease about the chapter of their life that they're about to start. Post-secondary education can be a scary thing! | | |
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